Them Uchihas
by macaroonshojo
Summary: A story about how a greedy Uchiha got his paws on a poor unsuspecting Uzumaki, turned his life for about 180 degrees and some more and let him into the world. Or, how Itachi introduced gender and sexual identity to an eager Naruto who then proceeded to amaze the world with his newfound interests. Pity for him, Uchiha's just love much wow. Warnings and other characters inside.


**Warnings:** OOC, AU, gender identity(i.e. gender fluidity, trans gender, androgyne), sexual orientation(i.e. pansexual, bisexual, asexual), mentions of underage sexual activity, sexual activity(i.e. between same and different genders), cursing, consuming drugs, consuming alcohol;

 **Genre:** Romance, Humor, Friendship, Slice of Life,

 **Magnet Shipping:** NaruSasuNaru;

 _ **Side Pairings:**_ ItaSakuIta, ZabuHaku, ItaNaruIta, NaruSakuNaru, NaruHaku;

 **A/N:** Eh, eh. You're reading this author's note, right? Well, I do hope none would be offended by this lil story of mine, especially since I'm using a lot of gender identity and preferences knowledge I've gathered over the years to present it all. Just like Naruto in here, which I would tell you now to make it easier, I'm a genderflux pan. Even though, pityingly, my sex life and relationships are not as colorful as his are. Therefore, do not be confused if I sometimes switch between male, female and 3rd person pronouns, it's my way of beautifying it for you. That and I like for people to actually call me he when I'm a guy, and they when I'm neither or both.

Also, I need to warn you, you're just gonna love Itachi and Sakura in this- I know I already do.

The rest at the bottom...

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto was what you would call a regular guy. He had a normal case of hatred towards school, enormous crush on anything noodle, and meat, and barely spent a day not playing games on his darling computer.

Then Itachi Uchiha hit the small town Naruto lived in and everything changed. The five years older guy was someone Naruto didn't understand at first, more so when he kept switching between being a male and female. Though it didn't bother him at least, in Naruto's eyes Itachi was the coolest person he ever met, even with all their quirks, and for a long time they would remain as such.

It was a snowy winter those days Itachi spent jerking Naruto around, teaching him all about big city's folks and their lifestyles. Today, Naruto firmly believes Itachi was just trying to get into his pants.

Seeing how Naruto was merely a pubescent teen full of questions, Itachi managed to weasel out a blushing yes and that is how Naruto realized even two guys could be together, in a more intimate ways.

It was a New Year's eve during which Naruto brought Itachi home, introduced him to his prized game collection and received his first hand-job.

The year after that Naruto did manage to lose his virginity, though he was still uncertain why hand-job didn't count, to a girl couple years his senior he met on Jiraya's creative workshop.

A month shy from his 15th birthday Naruto finally managed to find an interested full blooded man that would introduce him to a world of homosexual sex. Waking up in bed with a blushing quarterback, Naruto finally decided to embrace who Naruto was. Even if the quarterback was that thrilled with Naruto's decision.

Coming out to his godfather was easy; the man didn't care as long as he got some boob action and was happy.

The next day Naruto went to school as a girl to which he sticked with until his male side decided to take the lead again. Though sometimes, both sides slept and Naruto was neither. Or both, which wasn't as much of a mess his best friend thought it was. Sometimes, it would seem as if there were an orchestra of voices and personalities lurking under Naruto's skin, fighting to be let out, which now Naruto fully understood and would never again push them back to the lost catacombs of their brain. It did take time to sort them all out, but that was what Naruto belived made him even more beautiful.

Naruto was free and happy, expressing all those sides of them that were non understandable to the people who surrounded them.

Sure, there was an abundance of hate filled glares, derisive snorts and painful fists which followed Naruto throughout the entire schooling system.

But never has Naruto backed down and hated them in return: they didn't understand Naruto and the beauty of not being just another copy and that scared them enough to retaliate in the only way they knew how. One day, Naruto would fancy to think, trapped inside of a small and smelly locker, they would realize what an awful human being this made them. Naruto was satisfied enough with their would be guilt, even if some showed no signs of ever having any.

What mattered most was that Naruto had helpful support from those that mattered the most, which was something nothing and none could take it away from them.

By the time he celebrated his 19th birthday, Naruto was cosily settled into his new apartment, just over the edges of universities grounds of this wonderful and open metropolitan city. Jiraya, at first, had his qualms about letting his darling baby so far away from him, but after a series of fighting and crying, the two came to an agreement: Naruto needed to at least call once a day and not give up if Jiraya didn't answer at first.

That agreement was quickly broken by Jiraya who decided that wooing his ladies was far more important than hearing Naruto bitch about the coursework.

Naruto made a first university friend during one party he stumbled into quite accidentally, while hunting down his project partner and finding him knocked out in a tub full of jelly. Haku was all too eager to jump and invite Naruto to stay at the party her roomie had. Couple of cocktails and awkward flirting later, time came and passed and Naruto spent those next days learning how to please a transsexual.

The sex arrangement the two of them shared lasted long enough for Naruto to think they were actually dating; until Haku confessed she was actually in love with some dude she met a week ago. It hurt, it really did, but Naruto mustered up all the righteousness the female side of their being had and went straight to the measly bike shop and shouted out a date for Haku. She cooked homemade ramen for Naruto that night which only prompted the tears to fall out for the unfairness of it all.

The second party Naruto attended was during spring and that time it was on purpose; after seeing all those happy couples and joyful A students Naruto just wanted to let the crazy out.

There Naruto met a drunk off her ass Sakura Haruno, hugging the life out of the plotted plant she found in the hallway of the dorm. She was a wild tigress that screwed Naruto's brains out. She also man handled him the next morning, professing her undying hatred towards the sleazy men that took advantage of unsuspecting woman. In the matter of hours Naruto turned on her doorstep, picture perfect of a loving maiden, asking her out on a date. She gifted him with a snort and a slap. Then she agreed.

And Naruto was finally truly happy that they found this valuable friend, what with Neji far in the other city and Haku busy with Zabuza-cakes.

Sakura was perfect: she cooked terribly, had vast knowledge on any and all subjects, could out-curse a sailor, out-fight a soldier and was a doctor in training. Which meant she always brought back home, to which Naruto's apartment turned into, some type of happy pills they vastly enjoyed. Her vitamin shakes came in handy then and Naruto was certain it could even wake the dead.

The two of them quickly found their missing piece in Gaara, a lone wolf that believed he hated everyone but was actually a precious cinnamon roll that was afraid of people hating him. Gaara was also the only friend Naruto never shared anything sexual with, partly because he was ace, but mostly because he was that little brother Sakura and Naruto had to protect from the world. Though mostly, it ended up with the two getting Naruto out of the shenenigans and saving their ass from stalkers.

Aside from the fact Naruto indeed had stalkers, which was a mind-blowing fact to know for Naruto, the three of them spent days getting high in their home ( to which Gaara moved silently, totally contrary to Sakura's loud entrance, screaming Naruto's head off with a story of how she was kicked out of the dorm because apparently grabbing your roomies boobs counted as sexual abuse), yelling at each other whenever in public, suffering under Sakura's horrible cooking, Gaara's brutally honest advices and Naruto's bouts of feminism and their shared PMS(sans Gaara, who only found out about Naruto's fluidity when it came to genders when he came out of the shower, unshaven with the junior standing proudly at attention).

Sakura and Naruto were in the middle of celebrating their anniversary when Itachi decided it was high time to visit Naruto, to which Naruto later grumbled how he was two years late. This was the first time the two met the dark side of Naruto, even if they heard much about it. Unsurprisingly, Gaara was disinterested in the cheekily grinning Itachi, confirming how one Naruto in his life was enough.

Sakura though, after a thoughtful shower and ogling dinner jumped Itachi and only let him out of her sight in the morning.

Naruto complained about obvious favoritism when he noticed the bruise free Itachi lounging on their couch. Itachi gave Naruto a quick peck on the lips and promised he had been saving his pucker for Naruto.

In the middle of feeling out his genders, Naruto blew him a raspberry and decided to go neutrois.

And as such, their unusual relationship continued; Sakura screwing Itachi day and night, Gaara mumbling about flying hormones and Naruto trying to bring her boyfriends wandering hands to her attention. Whether she was blind to it or not didn't matter, she slowly started copying Itachi's evil smirk and grubby hands.

It was a normal occurrence for Naruto to be pissed of more than not, exploding violently even without PMSing. Especially after Itachi introduced the too happy, too smug and too idiotic bloody cousin of his.

Naruto swears, wandering hands definitely ran in the family.

Fucking Uchihas.

Obito was not a bad guy, Naruto had to admit and quickly enough he grew on Naruto with his unexpected popping out with coffee, advice and joke ready. Sometimes Naruto wondered if it was normal to date a man 14 years your senior, but then again, Itachi, so screw it.

Which he almost came close too, but Obito always pulled at the last moment, croaking about some meeting he just had to attend, always leaving Naruto bothered and uncared for.

One massive fight later in which a glowering Gaara, cackling Itachi, murderous Sakura and video calling Neji were a part of, Naruto finally got to the bottom of the problem.

Apparently, Naruto's father was Obito's elementary teacher and the sniveling in the corner Obito could not, for the love of God, ruin the picture he had of him. Not to mention he also met Kushina and wouldn't dare to ruin her baby more.

Naruto screamed, trashed, broke stuff( Itachi's nose primely) but Obito wouldn't cave. So Naruto broke his nose too and sent him to hell.

Fucking Uchihas.

While Naruto was slowly, but steadily recovering with faithful ramen by side, Itachi decided to storm their life more. Waltzing into their home with a brand new dress and nose, making Naruto wanting to break it again, sunny smiles in his every pore. It was time, Itachi decided, for them to meet the family.

Amidst Sakura's squealing, Naruto kindly reminded them about how meeting the family went so far. Itachi solemnly swore that none would date to hurt his bae anymore.

Sakura's warning to keep reigns on the freaky, Naruto entered the massive hall in a smoking hot tuxedo, horrified by the level of rich Uchihas were. Leaving Sakura to show of her red monstrosity of a hella expensive dress, Naruto decided to mingle by the bar after seeing a gleeful Obito prancing around with some brunette lady. The night was already ruined for him and Itachi only made it done.

He was suddenly standing at the orchestra podium, testing the microphone and asked for the ' _pink haired witch_ _to come and make him the most miserable man, for the rest of his pitiful life_ '.

Naruto giggled at the shell shocked expression of the prim and proper faces of the people around him and sent a mental message to Sakura for not warning Itachi to keep his freak under wraps.

She never got it, obviously, busy between fainting and drinking her wine. In the end though, she jumped her new fiance and gave him the longest kiss Naruto ever witnessed.

Itachi squeezed her waist before grabbing the mic again and continuing:

"Since I'm on a roll, how about it Naruto? Wanna shank it up with us?"

3 seconds was all it took for Sakura to start grinning evilly and Naruto to start screaming:

"Fuck no!"

Every frozen face turned to him and Sakura continued for her lovely hubby:

"Look, you can have him on Thursday's and Sunday's, that sounds good, yeah?"

Naruto denied the claim with a flying finger:

"Oh shit no, I ain't giving my Naruto time to that little fuck. He's all yours!"

"What about Monday's?" Itachi offered, high-fiving his giggling bride to be.

"Oi, no! Why the hell are you two pulling me into this? No Itachi allowed anywhere near Uzumaki booty!"

With that Naruto fled the gala, embarrassed and pissed off, not nearly as drunk as he would love to be.

Blowing his shit after finding not one ramen pack back home, Naruto spent the rest of his night screaming bloody murder in his sheets. Gaara diplomatically left him alone.

Morning came and shrill ringing and knocking woke Naruto from sleep. The mere notion of it still continuing meant Gaara already left for work, so Naruto decided to ignore the shit out of the yelling duo in front of his doors.

Approximately two hours later the waking came in the form of a leaning stranger in Naruto's room, contemplating rape.

Or, that's what Naruto's sleep filled brain said and Naruto was ready to dish out a girly shriek. But before any eardrums were broken, the stranger hastily slapped Naruto's mouth with his hands, grumbling out a 'shut up'.

Naruto quirked an eyebrow at him and the stranger blushed:

"I'm Sasuke, Itachi's little brother..."

Despite still being silenced Naruto screamed, making Sasuke probably regret ever being connected to Itachi.

"Would you just calm down for a sec? He's not here, pinky and him took off to a seaside an hour ago and left me here."

Naruto let put a relived sigh before starting to grow suspicious. Sasuke straightened out and sent a hard glare Naruto's way:

"They told me to wait until you wake and take you out for breakfast." Obviously, he wasn't pleased with this, just like Naruto.

"Who the hell gave you permission to enter a lady's room, for starters?!" Naruto rose a finger to shush any question Sasuke was ready to dish out. "Fuck you and fuck your brother! I am not marrying that shit under any circumstances!"

Sasuke's eyes glided away from Naruto's naked masculine torso before he finally met blue eyes before him, a bit flushed:

"You do realize he was joking about that?"

Naruto scowled:

"Lookey here bastard, for the past four years those two spent dating, Itachi tried to rape me at least once a day and Sakura was adamant in trying out the golden rule."

Eyes widened in disbelief, Sasuke swallowed his protests.

"Which reminds me, I fucking hate you Uchihas so do be nice and get out." Saying that, Naruto plopped back on the bed, focusing eyes on the ceiling. Sasuke shoveled his feet before deciding on going back to stare at Naruto from the bedside.

"Why do you hate us so much?"

Naruto snorted:

"Why? Oh well, let's see: fucking Itachi and fucking Obito! Those two shit heads ruined my life!"Grabbing a pillow Naruto went and tried to suffocate. "Fuck! Shit!... _Fuck!_ "

"You curse a lot." Sasuke noted, calmly inviting himself to occupy Naruto's side.

Naruto sighed dejectedly:

"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't vent my anger on you, but I'm just... **_Aaaaargh_**!" Pressing the pillow deeper, Naruto's next words were barely heard:

"And now even Sakura's off to become a bloody Uchiha! Just kill me now."

"But.." Sasuke stalled "You can't hate every Uchiha?"

There was a little spark of hope in his voice. Naruto paid it no mind.

"Oh well, I met that great-uncle of yours, Madara, at some dinner party Itachi forced me to go."

"And?"

"He grabbed my ass, gave me his card and told me to call him."

One stunned silence later Sasuke coughed out a ' _what_?

"I have found that breaking Uchiha noses does wonders for my anger management therapy."

Another silence ensued, this one heavy and guarded.

"I'm not gonna break your nose, don't worry."

"Itachi would probably buy me a new one."

"Pfft. Ain't that the truth."

Letting go of the pillow, Naruto sighed yet again, mumbling out her favorite curse:

"Fucking Uchihas."

Sasuke smirked, standing up and offering her a hand:

"That can be arranged. You said you have Madara's number?"

Unable to control herself, Naruto started wildly cackling, holding onto Sasuke's hand and failing at actually doing anything but bringing up a smile onto his face.

And that is how a beautiful friendship between them bloomed.

Eventually, Naruto discovered that the whole lot of Uchiha's actually suffered from wandering hands syndrome. And eventually, Naruto broke Sasuke's nose, three times in fact.

For all he ever said, Sasuke never paid for a correction, saying how his crooked nose claimed him as Naruto's one and only.

For that only, Naruto gave and received a bit more than a hand-job.

Fucking Uchihas indeed.

Though, Naruto supposes it's Uzumaki now, what with Fugaku catching them in action and verbally lynching Naruto for deflowering his precious little girl.

* * *

 **A/N:** In case some, or all, didn't understand:

Naruto: Genderflux pan

Itachi: Bigender pan

Sakura: Cisgender bi

Gaara: Ace

Haku: Transsexual (M2F) bi

Sasuke: Transsexual (F2M) demi

Obito: Serious case of hero worship

Neji: Just being there, really

Jiraya: Jiraya

Now remember, flames can only tickle :D


End file.
